Over-confidence

Over-confidence

Source: Email Fwd.
  It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied,                                  
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 "It's a puppy!" 

Common lines after people get drunk !!!

Funniest mail ever ... I have personally experienced each one of them, thanks to all my beloved friends ...

Common lines after people get drunk...

1.     Tu to Mera bhai hai...

2. You know i am not drunk...

3. Gaadi mai Chalaunga...

4. Abe abhi itni Aur Andar ja sakti hai...

5. Tu bura mat manana bhai...

6. Mai teri Dil Se Izzat Karta hu...

7. Abe bol daal aaj usko, aar yaa paar....

8. Aaj saali Chad nahi rahi hai kya bat hai...

9. Tu Kya samajh raha hai mujhe chad gayi hai...

10. Ye mat samajh ki piye me bol raha hu...

11. Abe yaar kahin kam to nahi padegi itnee...

12. Chhote , Ek Ek Chhota aur ho Jae...

13. Baap ko mat Sikha.

14. Yaar magar tune mera dil tod diya...

15. Kuchh bhi hai par saala Bhai hai Apna...

16. Tu Bolna Bhai , kya chahiye...Jaan chahiye hazir hai ???

17. Abe mere ko aaj tak nahi Chadee...shart laga saala aaj tu..

18. Chal teri baat karata hoon usse, phone number de uska

Typical questions asked of Indians when they are abroad !!!

Source: Email Fwd. 

Typical questions asked of Indians when they are abroad

Q.  What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A.  Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target….

Q.  You're from India?  I have read so much about the country.  All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.  Absolutely.  In fact we used to have our own elephant in our  house.  But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.  You see  elephants have an "emissions" problem…..

Q.  Does India have cars?
A.  No.  We ride elephants to work.  The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q.  Does India have TV?
A.  No.  We only have cable.

Q.  Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.  Yes.  Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q.  How come you speak English so well?
A.  You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants.  It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused  their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

Q.  Are you a Hindi?
A.  Yes.  I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q.  Do you speak Hindu?
A.  Yes,  I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q.  Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.  Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q.  India is very hot, isn't it?
A.  It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q.  Are there any business companies in India?
A.  No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why  you see all these thin skinny Indians — it is is a lot of hard work.

Q.  Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A.  Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden.  However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q.  India is such a religious place.  Do you meditate regularly?
A.  Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.  But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work  when I meditate like that.  But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q.  I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.  We don't have shoes.  So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

\Q.  Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A.  I prefer it to coming naked.

Dilbert's One liners!!

Source: Email Fwd ...

Wonderful ones!!

 
 

Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners: 1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. 2. A friend in need is a pest indeed. 3.   Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT 4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. 5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. 6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train. 7. Born free, taxed to death. 8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. 10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. 13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. 14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. 16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. 17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? 18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? 19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! 20. If you can't convince them, confuse them. 21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers 24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. 25. Someday is not a day of the week 26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 27. To Err is human; to forgive is not a Company policy. 28. The road to success.... Is always under construction. 29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. 30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. ….and here's the best of the lot 31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or MARRIEd to someone else!

Someone's Feelings about South Indian Names

Source: Email Fwd ...

A great piece about why typical South Indian men do not get any good girls in town …
Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani…" THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)
How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be. A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays…"

And then the fight Started

Source: Email Fwd.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started ...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started ...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started ...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started ...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started ...

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A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started ...

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started ...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started ...

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Hope you had a nice laugh :-) :-) :-)

Grandma in Court !!! Hilarious ;0)

Source: Email Fwd.

Grandma in Court

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they

aren't  prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.    He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a  drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different

women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."  

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!

Tomato Story .....good one

Source: Email FWD ...

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Software Co.. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said.  Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when  you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
 
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round.. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ....
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,' I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at SOFTWARE CO !'
 
Moral of the story
 
 
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2  
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire..........

P.S - Do not forward this email back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!